Honky tonks of Tennessee

After the Blue Ridge Parkway and after a city called Asheville, which is on the south end of the Parkway, the road got pretty boring. It's basically highway traffic, trucks, gas stations and hamburger joints hundreds of miles until you reach Memphis.

At long drives like this you must learn the art of driving with cruise control. When you reach the experienced level you can do it like this - without legs and from the backseat. 

The best thing about American food is that everything comes in a form of junk food. Even a salad is served with a couple of pizza slices.

A vacuumed pickle was propably not the smartest choice of snack from the gas station, but at least you might enjoy the junk food a little bit more after this.

About halfway from Asheville to Memphis was a city called Nashville, which is known as the music city of the US. Some other city might disagree with this statement, but it sure had plenty of musical shit going on.

In fact, the city is so musical, that some people give away free music for people who have no music.

During daytime, the best activity in Nashville is a water bottle race down the steps of a governmental building. The trick is to have just the right amount of water in your bottle to have the perfect momentum.

The best activity during night-time is honky tonking, which is just an other word for getting wasted.

There was a certain honky tonk dance, for which every local knew the steps. It was almost as common as diabetes in these neck of the woods.

There is no such thing as collective responsibility. Someone left the trunk open at the parking lot of Graceland.

Graceland, the museum/home of Elvis Presley covers Elvis's personal stuff as extensively as Louvre in Paris covers the art and history of France.  

Baseball games are an exception to the rule, that the focus should be on the Budweiser, and not on the ball.

Elvis might be the king of rock'n'roll, but horsemask is the king of all masks.

Stupid street drinking rules don't apply at the highstreet of downtown Memphis. The citizens have this one street to drink freely from open containers. Now I understand what it means when they say US is the land of the free.

How would you feel about wearing a blue wig, playing drums in the middle of a dance floor and getting the attitude from a black dominatrix? If you're into that sort of action, Memphis has just the right nightclub for you.

Blue Ridge Parkway Drive-by and Shots at Virginia Tech

When it comes to nature and scenery, The Blue Ridge Parkway across the Appalachian mountains is one of the best drives in the States. Even a urinating pic taken here could be made as a beautiful painting.

This would be a better story if our car actually broke down, but it was too perfect to do that. Anyway, we were mentally prepared and quietly hoping for the car to broke down.

There was some ridiculously awesome nature sights along the way. For example the Natural Bridge blew ones mind. Another thing to see here are the caverns, which descend deep into the mountains. The guides have some cute tricks on their sleeves, so don't be afraid of the dark.

If you listen to the nature and explore the forests respectively, you just might be so lucky to spot some wildlife. Most of the wildlife spotted was splattered across the hood of our car, but some were spotted alive and well.

If you happen to find yourself hungry in the Appalachian wilderness there are no Waffle House or Dunkin' Donuts here, so be sure to bring your survival kit with you. This kit should include at least few packs of beef jerky and some soda cans.

There is a dilemma included in the curves of the Parkway drive. The more fun you have with the curves as a driver, the more you wake lynching mentality among the fellow passengers.

We spent an interesting night at a small student town called Blacksburg. It's known for the Virginia Tech University, which is known for one of the horrific massacres in modern times. First impression of this town was rather dull and quiet, but after some strolling around the city, our party detector suddenly started blinking and beeping. We ended up in a student party and after the first drink, we couldn't find a way to stop consuming alcohol.

We had some difficulties getting back to our motel after the party, because our motel was tens of miles away and the town didn't have any available cabs. Hitching a ride from a pizza taxi by ordering a pizza to our motel didn't work out so well. Finally we saw a vehicle parked on the side of the road with people in it and decided to pay them some bucks to get us back to the motel. One could think, that this was the end of it, but we were possessed by evil forces and started drinking again at the motel parking lot.

Next morning we acted like nothing had happened and life moved on with a headache.

Appalachian Mtns are not all about scenic views of forests, there are also peaks to conquer. This was said to be the highest, 2037 meters. It's worth visiting, there's lots of fog and coffee to be bought at the top. 

Redneck Riviera and the historical heritage of the US

After leaving D.C. behind, we bought a navigator and started to get some serious mileage by heading to the Atlantic Coast. Our decision of destination was made as unrationally as always, some girl had said in a bar that there is a place called Do Me Beach at the coast and our juvenile minds thought it was funny and needed to be visited.

Crossing the state border we entered into Delaware, which is a state free from sales tax. This means, that you must hit the Outlet malls big time. We picked up a mall, where on the side of the the mall entrance was an unpredictable meth-head doing some psychedelic body spasms. Every mall around here should have some distinct feature to stand out from others.

By night we arrived in Dewey Beach or better known as Do Me Beach. It was promoted to be a place where drinks are served with Rohypnol and girls forget how to wear clothes. We were prepared to have a major spring-break type party, but found only a small birthday party held in a small bar. After few jelly shots we decided to save our best energy for future challenges.

 

This board of rules makes you wonder is everything else allowed that's not mentioned in this board.

Just one hour south from Do Me Beach was a city called Ocean Beach. It wasn't hard to fall in love with this place. Nice and warm Atlantic breeze makes your nipples tickle and you wanna stroll it's long boardwalk forever with your gay shirts. 

When you want to shop some decent clothes for workplace go to the beachfront stores at both, Do Me Beach and in Ocean Beach.

 

We were looking forward on how Virginia Beach would answer to it's bold nickname - Redneck Riviera. We sucked some creamy cones and waited for the hillbillies and their trucks to deliver some action. No such luck this time, but at least some Naval AFB fighters were showing some American might at the sunny sky.

One of the most important historical towns in the US is Williamsburg. It's just a little detour on the way to the Appalachian mountains. The early settlers had hard time building America from the scratch so sometimes they needed to balance their nerves by wearing funny joke hats such as these. 

This is were it all comes down to - filling up your baby for the first time.

In the suburbs of a town called Charlottesville we ended up staying in a Paki-motel. The concept is best described as quick and dirty. It’s a type of motel from the cheap end where you want to minimize your stay. Distinct features include room with burn marks from cigarettes, weird rugs on the floor and on the walls, smell of urine and smokes, and relatively rude staff. 

Washington D.C.

Summer trip 2013 was going to be a Roadtrip in the USA. Little did we know, that this was going to be hottest and gayest trip so far. The hottest in the sense, that the temperatures would go as high as +50 C, and gayest in the sense, that every sleeping arrangement would be in double beds all the way.

One way to kill time in long flights is to drink fast few strong drinks and put a rug over your head.

First scam was waiting for us just outside the Dulles Airport in Washington D.C. After exiting the airport we shuttled ourselves into the National Car Rental Agency to pick up our rental car.  In order to find the perfect American vehicle we ended up running nervously around the parking lot looking for a black Dodge Charger. At the end, we could've done worse, because we got the car we wanted only in different colour. Agency's Mexican sales lady had a well played pushy tactic, for which we ended paying extra for extra costs and buying a sat radio instead of a useful sat navigator.

 

It's a true gift to fall a sleep in the Washington D.C. subway. The downtown area is not that big and you'll be sure to reach your destination in just few stops.

Before finding breakfast our priority was to find liquor store. We ended up in Walgreens, which didn't sell liguor, but was actually a drug store selling monkey breakfast.

Selfies are the thing to do in front of the White House. You propably have to wait a while or push some people away from the fence to get the perfect pic.

I wouldn't be surprised if some people felt, that the most amazing thing behind the White House fence is the enormous well cut lawn. The actual building is too hyped to leave an impression when you actually get to see it for real.

 

Washington Monument is an obelisque in the National Mall -park in Washington D.C., but what I really want to emphasize here is that there really are amazingly vast fields of well cut lawn everywhere. 

The Smithsonian Museum of Aerospace and something was a wet day dream for engineers. There were some of the greatest achievements of mankind hanging from the roof and lying on the floor. For instance, unmanned attack drones and Apollo space capsules.

The statue of Ape Lincoln at the other end of the National Mall. You might recognize this guy from the movie Planet of the Apes.

According to the research, this concrete bunker was supposed to be the FBI headquarters, but it was actually US Dept of Health & Human Services. They had the privilege of occupying the ugliest public building on the side of the National Mall.

  

Finally the Capitol at the eastern end of the National Mall is propably the most interesting building here. Unfortunately, we didn’t bother to go closer then this to it. The fact is, that there’s a lot of huge government buildings on the side of the National Mall and all around D.C., so you just might get an overdose of them at some point. Also, the hottest summer in living memory sucked all the energy out of the stroll.

  

On the other side of the Potomac River is the Arlington National Cemetary. It’s 253 hectares in size and it has almost as much graves as the city has population.

The next stop was Pentagon, one subway-stop away from the Arlington National Cemetary. If you're a fast runner you might get closer then 500 meters to the building before the security personnel catches you to perform a cavity search. And if you're not a fast runner, you can see how restricted everything is around here.

Washington D.C. has also a vibrant nightlife where you can hit on girls by telling them how awesome governmental stuff you've seen during the daytime. If your story is interesting enough you have the chance to show them your own national obelisque.

If your story was boring, you can check your alcohol level with this machine. If it's broken or shows too low levels, the best thing to do is drink more just to be on the safe side. 

The morning after you must drink one of these gigantic Powerades to miraculously cure your hangover.  After experiencing all this you're ready to continue your road trip. In our case we headed from D.C. towards the Atlantic Coast and to the state of Delaware.